Changes
by x.Sess.x.Satan.x
Summary: FINISHED! Things certainly are changing on the JMC Vessel, Red Dwarf. Love, pregnancy and Internal Ship Messaging. Not a subject isn't covered.
1. Month 1, Pregnant

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Red Dwarf. I only own Nicole Adler and, later on, Charlotte.

**Author's Note: **Sequel to 'Nicole'. If you haven't read it I suggest you do. You do get the gist of it in this fic but it would be easier if you read 'Nicole', or scan-read it (it is quite long!)  
This is my little nugget of originality. Loosely based on 'Boy meets Girl' by Meg Cabot (excellent read). The layout is a little strange - bear with it, you'll get used to it!

MediScan results:

**Sex**: F  
**Age**: 28  
**Crew No.**: 0082  
**I.D**: Adler RD16-82  
**Health**: Excellent - Good

**Space mumps **- negative  
**Cancer **- negative  
**Pregnancy **- positive

_**Nicole G. Adler's Personal Thoughts...  
**__YES! Yes, yes, yes! YES!!! Finally, it worked! I'm pregnant! Arnie's ecstatic, too. He's got a bit of a headache from where he hit the MediBay counter when he fainted, but he should recover from that fairly rapidly.  
__I'm just upset that Krissy won't be around. We are trying to re-establish the linkway to her reality (much to the disappointment of Lister). I'm really going to miss her. She really helped me through the last few months, all the failed attempts at getting me pregnant. And I like to think I've helped her, too, with all the failed attempts at getting back the linkway. I really don't want her to go. Maybe that's me being selfish, I don't know. Besides, it's what she wants and, if it makes her happy, I'm not going to stand in the way.  
__I can't believe I'm pregnant!_

**_Journal of: _DAVE LISTER  
**Well. That's it. She's gone. Any minute now, Kris will be back in her reality; back to _her _Dave. Away from me. I should have known finding that linkway was too good to be true. I don't know what I'm going to do without her. For months I've just assumed we'd eventually get together. I'm so, so stupid. I'd better go, the others will be back soon, and I don't want them to know I keep a diary.  
They're back. Sans Kochanski.

**Diary of _Kristine Z. Kochanski  
_**Dear Diary,  
Well, it didn't work. We lost the linkway. I'm stuck here forever.

**_Journal of: _DAVE LISTER  
**It didn't work! We lost the linkway! She's going to stay!

**Cat's thoughts: (IF ANY! - Lister)  
**Did you see me today in that cute little pink number? I was steaming!

**Diary of _Kristine Z. Kochanski  
_**Dear Diary,  
I am so confused! This morning I was looking at Lister, wolfing down his cornflakes with grated onion, and I felt a , I suppose. A rush of feelings. He somehow reminded me of Dave. My Dave. God I miss him. But why did Lister remind me of him? I know they're the same person, but at the same time they are completely different. Dave is considerate, kind, passionate and, let's face it, amazing in bed. Lister is...well, _Lister_. I suppose he is considerate, kind and passionate in his own way, but only when it suits him. Besides, I've known Dave for years now, I've grown to love him. I've known Lister, this Lister, for a couple of weeks. And still...what am I thinking of? I am _not _attracted to Lister. I will _never _give up hope of finding Dave. Never.  
Lister did look sexy, though.

**Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC - Red Dwarf Standard Logbook  
**In the name of all that's good and holy, no! Kochanski has just told me some shocking news: She is in love with Lister. Not _her_ Lister, not the hologram from her dimension, _this_ Lister. _Our_ Lister. The curry-guzzling space-bum who only just manages to pass as human. That's all I need. Not that my life - or should I say death - isn't stressful enough with Nicole's hormones all over the place, now I have two lovestruck fools to contend with. What is it with Lister and women? One minute he's complaining about his sex-life (or lack of), the next he's...well, not to put too fine a point of it, bonking my one true love, then he's whinging because he'll never find love, then he has a woman drooling all over him and he won't do anything about it! It's making me dizzy just thinking about it.  
I haven't written in my diary for a while, so perhaps I should explain: we found a rip in the space-time continuum; a rip which linked our reality with Kochanski's. She jumped the linkway, but was unable to get back. So now she's stuck with us. And now she's fallen in love with Lister. Now she'll never go back.  
I have to go. Nikki's asking me to hold her hair back for her.  
She gets her morning sickness in the evening.

_**Nicole G. Adler's Personal Thoughts...  
**__Why is it that no matter how much decaffeinated coffee you drink, you can never get the taste of nausea out of your mouth? I'm only a couple of weeks gone, and I'm already going insane. I feel so overweight and unsexy. I hope Arn still finds me pretty..._

**_Journal of: _DAVE LISTER  
**Why can't I tell her!? Why!? It's easy enough to say: I love you. I love you. Why can't I say it to her? Even Rimmer's managed to say it before now! I love you Kris. Krissy, I love you. Oh, no matter how I put it, it sounds weird! Probably because I know she's not in love with me...

**--Internal Ship Messaging--  
****LuvsArnie: **logon  
**LuvsArnie: **Hiya, Kris. Sorry I couldn't be there this evening; the morning (evening?) sickness is really bad.  
**CottageCheese: **Hi, Nik. No problem. How's the little one?  
**LuvsArnie: **Fine.  
**CottageCheese:** Good. Has Kryten managed to figure out why you get your MS in the evening?  
**LuvsArnie: **No. Frankly, I don't care. I think it's just something to keep him busy between laundry days.  
**CottageCheese: **Ha, ha!  
**CottageCheese: **Still, since he managed to get you successfully pregnant (eventually) he's been at a loose end.  
**LuvsArnie: **Yeah, I guess. It's probably better to keep him occupied.  
**LuvsArnie: **So, what are you going to do tonight?  
**CottageCheese: **Dunno. Might go up to see Lister.  
**CottageCheese: **Are you still there?  
**LuvsArnie:** Yes, I just...you're going to go and see Lister?  
**CottageCheese: **Yeh. Why?  
**LuvsArnie:** No reason.  
**LuvsArnie: **I'm sorry, I have to ask: Why are you going to see Lister of all people?**  
CottageCheese: **I dunno. He's a laugh.  
**CottageCheese: **Nikki?  
**CottageCheese: **Nik, are you there?  
**LuvsArnie: **I have to go.  
**CottageCheese: **Why?  
**LuvsArnie: **logoff

**Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC - Red Dwarf Standard Logbook  
**Oh God, why do women have to ask awkward questions? And I couldn't exactly not answer her; she's carrying my baby. Nikki came up to me today and said, "Arnie, do you think Kris has been acting strangely?" I knew the answer: Yes! Because she's smegging in love with David Lister, that's why! But I'd sworn to Kris that I wouldn't tell anyone, so I just said it was probably to do with adjusting to life with us lot. And then, just as I thought the horror was over, she asked me the question dreaded by all men, "Do you find me attractive?" Well, what was I supposed to say!? I mean I knew I had to say 'yes,' but...how? You can't just say 'yes.' That's the thing about women; you have to go that extra mile. So I tried. Only I didn't go the extra mile, I went the extra marathon! I probably would have pulled it off if I hadn't compared her breasts to two volleyballs (why, why, why, why, why?).  
I am _so _lucky I have her.

**--Internal Ship Messaging--  
****SexyBeast: **logon  
**SexyBeast: **Hi, baby. You free tonight?  
**CottageCheese:** Not now, not ever.  
**CottageCheese: **logoff  
**SexyBeast: **Suit yourself.  
**SexyBeast: **logoff

**--Internal Ship Messaging--  
****SexyBeast: **logon  
**SexyBeast: **How about dinner tonight, babe?  
**LuvsArnie: **I'm engaged and pregnant you gimboid!  
**SexyBeast:** So?  
**LuvsArnie: **Read my screen name.  
**SexyBeast: **And?  
**LuvsArnie: **logoff  
**SexyBeast: **logoff

**--Internal Ship Messaging--  
****SexyBeast: **logon  
**SexyBeast: **What're you doing later?  
**Currylover169:** Cat, you have GOT to stop ISMing me like this.  
**Currylover169: **logoff  
**SexyBeast: **logoff

**--Internal Ship Messaging--  
****IQ6000: **logon  
**IQ6000: **Cat, stop randomly ISMing everyone - you're using up all my memory!!!  
**SexyBeast:** Sorry  
**SexyBeast:** What are YOU doing tonight?  
**SexyBeast:** OW! That hurt!  
**IQ6000: **If you ask me out one more time I'm gonna go up to 40 volts, got it?  
**SexyBeast:** logoff  
**IQ6000:** logoff


	2. Month 2, Disappearance

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Red Dwarf or any Red Dwarf characters.

**Author's note: **You like? I hope so. It's really good fun writing this fic! Thankyou to _Sunrise over the Tango Factory_ for reviewing Chapter 1 so promptly!

**Enchantment - Maternity Store**

2 blue t-shirt - $£**16**

2 beige A-line skirt - $£**20**

1 mauve blouse - $£**9.50**

1 blue blouse - $£**9.50**

2 pink blouse - $£**19**

**Subtotal: $£74**

**Total: $£74**

**Paid: --**

**Change: --**

_**Nicole G. Adler's Personal Thoughts...  
**__I HATE these maternity clothes. They make me feel like a tent. Arn swears I look fine, and they don't look too bad, and they are a bit more comfortable, and they have some give for when the bump starts to show, and I didn't have to pay for them, blah blah blah, but they make me feel 30 pounds heavier!!!_

* * *

**To: **NAdler  
**From:** ARimmer  
**Subject:** Maternity Clothes 

Honey, you look fine. I'll always love you. Arnold x

* * *

**To:** ARimmer  
**From: **NAdler  
**Subject:** Re: Maternity Clothes 

Are you sure I look OK? Where the smeg are you?  
Nikki x x x

* * *

**--Internal Ship Messaging--  
****LuvsArnie:** logon  
**LuvsArnie: **Arn?  
**LuvsArnie: **Are you there?  
**LuvsArnie: **ARN?  
**LuvsArnie: **Why won't you tell me where you are?  
**LuvsArnie: **logoff 

**Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC - Red Dwarf Standard Logbook  
**Oh God, don't find me, _please_ don't find me!  
I'm hiding from Nicole. She keeps smegging asking me if she looks OK. Women!!!

**_Journal of: _DAVE LISTER  
**SHE TOUCHED MY HAND! SHE TOUCHED MY HAND! OK, OK, so, I was at lunch, minding my own business - wait, I don't have to lie in a diary, do I? - OK, so I was at lunch, watching Kochanski in her sexy, red, skintight catsuit, making her Diet Strawberry Milkshake (does it count as 'diet' when you add six tablespoons of sugar?) when she looked up at me. She smiled and got a lager out of the fridge. She brought it over and put it on the table in front of me, and then...it happened. SHE TOUCHED MY HAND!!!!! I need to tell someone. Cat? No, he won't care. Nikki? No, she's not feeling her best at the moment. Probably not a good idea to tell her that the object of my desire brushed her soft skin against mine for just a brief, fleeting moment of exquisiteness. What was I writing about? Oh yeah. Rimmer? No, I haven't seen him for about a week. Come to that, Nik mentioned something about not seeing him for a couple of days as well. Strange. Oh well, I guess that leaves Kryten or Holly. Given the reliability of Holly, I think I'm gonna tell Kryten.

**Diary of _Kristine Z. Kochanski  
_**Finally, some peace. I know it's weird Rimmer disappearing like this, but honestly, Holly says he's onboard somewhere, and let's face it, he wouldn't leave Nikki - he loves her so much; she's carrying his child, for smeg's sake. Why is she getting so frigging paranoid!?  
On a lighter note, I managed to get a rare couple of minutes alone with Lister. I didn't say anything to him but I gave him a lager and squeezed his hand. _Please_ take the hint, Lister: I love you!

**Cat's thoughts: (IF ANY! - Lister)  
**Man, I was looking fine in that blue suit today! And the pink one. And the red one. Hell, I looked fantastic all day! I think that Alphabet-Head and Officer Throw-Up are having some probl I'm going to put a side-parting in my hair tomorrow. Unlike Goal-post Head, I can actually pull off a side-parting. Got to go and get my beauty sleep now!

**--Internal Ship Messaging--  
****Licketysplit:** logon  
**Licketysplit:** Nikki?  
**LuvsArnie:** Arn! Where the smeg are you???  
**Licketysplit:** Down on X-Deck  
**LuvsArnie:** Why? Why have you been avoiding me?  
**Licketysplit:** Before I answer that, can I just take this opportunity to say: I love you so much.  
**Licketysplit:** Nik?  
**LuvsArnie:** Why have you been avoiding me?  
**Licketysplit: **OK. But don't get angry  
**LuvsArnie:** OK. But don't give me a reason to get angry.  
**Licketysplit:** I don't like you asking me all the time if you look OK  
**LuvsArnie: **Is that it!?  
**Licketysplit:** You said you wouldn't get angry!  
**LuvsArnie:** Bit hard when your fiancé says they don't want to talk to you!  
**Licketysplit:** I didn't say that! I just said it's getting a tad tedious you asking me if you look OK. You look GORGEOUS, alright? You always do!  
**Licketysplit: **Hello?  
**LuvsArnie:** I love you.  
**Licketysplit:** Forgive me?  
**LuvsArnie:** Of course.  
**Licketysplit: **Promise you'll stop asking me?  
**LuvsArnie:** Absolutely.  
**Licketysplit: **OK, I'll be back asap.  
**Licketysplit: **logoff  
**LuvsArnie:** logoff

_**Nicole G. Adler's Personal Thoughts...  
**_Found him. He was hiding out on X-Deck because I kept asking him if I still looked attractive. I am such an idiot! All that stress and panic just because I was worrying about my looks. I am not making that mistake again.  
Note to self: throw out the mauve blouse - it makes me look like a human lavender plant.

**Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC - Red Dwarf Standard Logbook  
**OK, well it's been a week and she hasn't mentioned her appearance once. Thank. God.

* * *

**To: **Holly  
**From: **DLister  
**Subject:** curry supply 

Hol, we're running low on chicken vindaloo - we're down to our last 50 crates. Kryten's picked up a Space Corps derelict floating in space. It's slightly off course (but only by, like, 100 miles). Could we go and pick some curry up?  
Cheers  
Dave

* * *

**To:** DLister  
**From:** Holly  
**Subject:** Re: curry supply 

Dave,  
No. Tough.  
Holly

* * *

****

**To:** Holly  
**From:** DLister  
**Subject:** Re: curry supply

Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please??????  
I'll give you that modem thingy you wanted...........

* * *

**To:** DLister  
**From:** Holly  
**Subject:** Re: curry supply 

Dave,  
No. Tough.  
Holly

* * *

**To: **Holly  
**From: **DLister  
**Subject:** Re: curry supply 

OK, fine, you win.  
Do you think Kris will ever go out with me? I've been trying for so long. Things have been progressing steadily, but will it ever lead to anything? Am I just wasting my time?  
Please reply,  
Dave

* * *

**To: **DLister  
**From: **Holly  
**Subject: **Re: curry supply 

This is an automated message. Holly is unable to get back to you right now. Please get back to her when you receive another e-mail informing you to do so. Thank you.

* * *

**To: **Holly  
**From:** DLister  
**Subject:** Grrr.... 

I really hate you sometimes, Hol.

* * *

**Diary of _Kristine Z. Kochanski  
_**Today was horrible. I watched Lister for two hours and not once did he look at me. I suppose it was sort of hard as I was in the air duct, and by the way I WASN'T spying on him. Rimmer says I was, but I wasn't. I never thought I'd be saying this, but I honestly don't know what I would do without Rimmer. He's been so kind and supportive, and he hasn't let it affect him at all. 

**Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC - Red Dwarf Standard Logbook  
**Right, that's it, this is killing me. I have to tell someone about Kris's feelings for Lister. If she moans at me one more time, I swear I'm going to switch off my own hologram. But who can I tell?

_**Nicole G. Adler's Personal Thoughts...  
**_OH MY GOD!!!!!!


	3. Month 3, Setup

**Disclaimer:** I still don't own Red Dwarf. Sigh.

**Author's note:** I'm liking this! Don't know about you! R&R please! Again, thank you to _Sunrise over the Tango Factory._ You'll never know how much I love you...

**To do  
**1. Get some more maternity clothes - (yuk!!!)  
2. Hide the laundry so Kryten will actually fix the air conditioning.  
3. Find some more air freshener to cover the nausea smell.  
4. Also find some more decaffeinated coffee to cover the nausea taste.  
5. Talk to Arnie about being so sexually frustrated.  
6. Talk to Lister about his feelings for Kris.  
7. Talk to Kris to try and knock some sense into her.  
8. Get some throat lozenges - (I'll need them after all that talking)  
9. Spend less time writing 'to do' lists, and more time getting some rest.

_**Nicole G. Adler's Personal Thoughts...  
**_Jesus, Dave, just tell her already! For the past four nights he has been the one holding my hair back while I throw up. And he has been the one complaining that he and Kris will never be an item. If only he knew! I so badly want to tell him. Put him out of his misery. But I've been sworn to secrecy by Arn.  
I love Arn and everything, but sometimes I really, really hate him.

**--Internal Ship Messaging--  
****Currylover169: **logon  
**Currylover169:** Rimmer?  
**Licketysplit:** Why are you IMSing me?  
**Currylover169: **Just bored.  
**Licketysplit:** OK then  
**Currylover169:** I'm going to interrupt the awkward pause  
**Licketysplit:** Thankyou.  
**Currylover169:** Do you think  
**Currylover169:** Ignore that last message. I didn't mean to send it.  
**Licketysplit:** Do I think what?  
**Currylover169:** Nothing. Doesn't matter. Honest.  
**Currylover169:** Are you still there?  
**Licketysplit:** Do I think what?  
**Currylover169:** NOTHING!!!  
**Licketysplit:** Tell me...  
**Currylover169:** Do you think that Kris'll ever go for me?  
**Currylover169:** Hello?  
**Licketysplit:** Sorry, I don't think I can help you. You're looking for an agony aunt.  
**Currylover169:** Shoulda known YOU wouldn't help...  
**Licketysplit:** What's that supposed to mean?  
**Licketysplit:** Hold on, I've got another ISM

**--Internal Ship Messaging--  
****CottageCheese:** logon  
**CottageCheese:** Rimmer, I need to talk.  
**Licketysplit:** To me?  
**CottageCheese:** Yeah, I can't find Nikki. You weren't my first choice.  
**Licketysplit:** Nice to know...  
**CottageCheese:** Do you think Dave'll ever go for me?  
**CottageCheese:** You there?  
**Licketysplit: **Meet me in Parrot's Bar in fifteen minutes.  
**CottageCheese: **Why???  
**Licketysplit:** You want to be with Lister don't you?  
**CottageCheese:** Yes!  
**Licketysplit:** This just might work...  
**Licketysplit:** logoff  
**CottageCheese:** What might work? Rimmer?  
**CottageCheese:** logoff

**--Internal Ship Messaging--  
****Licketysplit:** I'm back  
**Currylover169:** Where'd you go?  
**Licketysplit:** Meet me in Parrot's bar in fifteen minutes  
**Currylover169:** OK, I'm lonely but I'm not that desperate!  
**Licketysplit:** Just do it!  
**Currylover169:** OK, fine.  
**Licketysplit:** logoff  
**Currylover169:** logoff

_**Nicole G. Adler's Personal Thoughts...  
**_What is Arnie doing? He's been tapping away at that computer for about fifteen minutes! Looks like he's sending an email.  
Oh no. Morning sickness.

**To:** Holly  
**From:** ARimmer  
**Subject:** Kochanski/Lister

Holly, I need you to record what's going on in Parrot's Bar for me.  
Rimmer.

**To: **ARimmer  
**From:** Holly  
**Subject:** Re: Kochanski/Lister

This is an automated message. Holly is unable to get back to you right now. Please get back to her when you receive another e-mail informing you to do so. Thank you.

**Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC - Red Dwarf Standard Logbook  
**What's that stupid, senile, airhead of a computer done now? She's put herself on downtime!!!

**To:** Holly  
**From:** ARimmer  
**Subject:** Re: Kochanski/Lister

Look, get this through your stupid thick skull, I need you to record what's going on in Parrot's Bar, NOW!  
Rimmer

**To:** ARimmer  
**From:** Holly  
**Subject:** Re: Kochanski/Lister

This is an automated message. Holly is unable to get back to you right now. Please get back to her when you receive another e-mail informing you to do so. Thank you.

**To:** Holly  
**From:** ARimmer  
**Subject:** Re: Kochanski/Lister

HOLLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**To:** ARimmer  
**From:** Holly  
**Subject:** Re: Kochanski/Lister

This is an automated message. Holly is unable to get back to you right now. Please get back to her when you receive another e-mail informing you to do so. Thank you.

**To:** Holly  
**From:** NAdler  
**Subject:** Black Box Recording

Hol, I know you're messing around with Arnie, but enough's enough. I'm trying to throw up everything I've eaten today, and him whining at me isn't making it any easier, so just grow up and do what he says.  
Nicole

**To:** NAdler  
**From:** Holly  
**Subject:** Re: Black Box Recording

OK, Nik. Sorry. Consider it done. But, just so you know, Lister and Kochanski left Parrot's Bar a long time ago.  
Holly

**_Journal of: _DAVE LISTER  
**I do not believe that lying smegging liar!!! He only went and set me up a date with Kris. God knows how he did it! Doesn't he know! Hasn't he realised! Kris is NEVER gonna be with me!!! Hang on. Why did she go along with it? She said she'd never trust Rimmer. I am confused.

**Diary of _Kristine Z. Kochanski  
_**I can't believe he did that! I am always trusting Rimmer from now on.

**Diary of _Kristine Z. Kochanski  
_**I am NEVER trusting that dead git ever again!!!!

Kryten 2X4B-523P/ Update Printout  
0010111010000101101010100000101000001110010010110010010101010010010001011010000010111  
0111010101010001011010010101000000101101010100100101010100101001010100100001011010101  
0010011010111000011010101010101110101000010101111111110100101010101101000000000000000  
101010101011111010100000101010100  
Air conditioning fixed.  
0010111010000101101010100000101000001110010010110010010101010010010001011010000010111  
0111010101001010100010110100101010000001011010101001001010101001010010101001000010110  
1010100100110101110000110101010101011101010000101011111111101001010101011010000000000  
000001010100110101110000110100110  
Head replaced.  
1101011100001101010101010100101010001011010010101000000101101010100100101010100101001  
0101001000010110101010010011010111000011010101010101110101000010101111111110100101010  
1011010000000000000001011001001010101001001000101101000001011101110101010010101000101  
010100110101110010101001101011101  
Soda machine upgraded.

_Thanks, Kryt! You weren't here so I'm leaving you this note, and there's a little WD-40 on the top shelf on the left.  
__Nic-  
__Miss Adler  
__P.S. Could you also repair the wall in mine and Ar- Mister Rimmer's quarters? He accidentally told her that he'd told me about her feelings for Dave and she went a bit crazy with a chair.  
__Thank you._


	4. Month 4, Declaration

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Red Dwarf. All situations portrayed within this fanfiction are fictitious, and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Most characters and settings depicted are based on Grant Naylor's amazing comic creations. Wow, professional!

**Author's note: **Thank you to _Sunrise over the Tango Factory _(again!) and _lil smegpot_ for reviewing this fanfic. I love you both!!! Here's another chapter for you. Please R&R (that applies to everybody!)

**Red Dwarf Issue - Guide to Pregnancy   
**_The Fourth Month...   
_Your body:    
You may become aware that you have more energy, and nausea & fatigue may stop. You may also observe visible growth of the baby as the bump becomes more noticeable.   
Your diet:    
To be sure you are getting enough iron eat whole grain breads, green vegetables, dried fruits, meats, and beans.   
Your feelings:   
You may be feeling sexually frustrated at this point. Because of this, you may find others around you more attractive. Always talk to your partner about your feelings; remember: participating in sexual relations during pregnancy is not harmful.

_**Nicole G. Adler's Personal Thoughts...   
**_I found a book in the MediBay this afternoon: "Guide to Pregnancy." It's a Red Dwarf publication so it's likely to be crap, but it's better than nothing. At least I'm relatively prepared, and I feel a lot happier about this pregnancy now (I mean, obviously I was happy to start with, otherwise I wouldn't have gone through with the implantation, but I'll admit I was quite scared going in cold). Plus, it's a hell of a lot better than Lister's help. I know personal experience is beneficial (God, it feels weird saying that about a man. I'll never get over the fact that Dave once bore twins. Never.) but he is always so vague. It's not his fault though, I suppose. Apparently he was completely torn apart when he had to take them back to the other reality, and talking about it is still hard for him. I should be grateful, really.   
Anyway, Kris is still on a rampage. She cannot accept the fact that Arnie told me about her feelings. Honestly! Why can't she just let it go? We've sworn blind that we won't tell anyone. Although, actually, I can see why she's so upset. Arn had already promised secrecy, and he didn't deliver. I can see why she wouldn't trust him any more. But me? What could she possibly   
Oh, wait. I did tell her about the whole 'having-an-affair-with-Arn-behind-Dave's-back' thing a few weeks ago.   
Ah.

**--Internal Ship Messaging--   
****Series4000:** logon   
**Series4000:** Is it true?   
**CottageCheese:** Is what true, Kryt?   
**Series4000:** About you and Mister Lister   
**Series4000:** I need to know if it's true   
**CottageCheese:** Kryten, I have no idea what you're talking about   
**Series4000:** Do I detect 'lie mode', Miss Kochanski???   
**CottageCheese:** OK, OK. I have a little...thing for him   
**Series4000:** How much of a thing, ma'am?   
**CottageCheese:** Nothing major...   
**CottageCheese:** Just a crush-y type thing. It'll pass, honest   
**Series4000:** So, you're not in love with him?   
**CottageCheese:** No   
**Series4000:** You won't take him away from me?   
**CottageCheese:** Of course not!   
**Series4000:** Alright, ma'am. I believe you. Goodnight.   
**Series4000:** logoff   
**CottageCheese:** Had my fingers crossed! : P   
**CottageCheese:** logoff

**Cat's thoughts: (IF ANY! - Lister)   
**The weirdest thing just happened. I was talking to Officer Throw-Up when she asked me out. Seriously! Man, she must be really dissatisfied, although considering the man she's dating, I'm not entirely surprised. I was about to set a time when Goal-post Head himself came along and asked to have a private word with her. Before I could bare my fangs at him, they were gone. Looks like my hand is going to get ANOTHER Valentine's card this year.

* * *

**To:** NAdler   
**From:** KKochanski   
**Subject:** Fwd: I have something to tell you... 

LOOK at what Dave just sent me:

-To: KKochanski   
-From: DLister   
-Subject: I have something to tell you

-Kris, you know that I've always had a crush on you. Well, it's more than a crush. I really like you. A lot. In fact, I love you. I'm in love with you.   
-I hope this doesn't destroy the relationship we have already, but I also hope you'll think about it.   
-Reply soon   
-Love Dave x x x

What the smeg do I do now??????????????????   
You have to help me, Nik. You and Rimmer. Please.   
Luv Kris

* * *

**To:** KKochanski   
**From:** NAdler   
**Subject:** Re: Fwd: I have something to tell you... 

I think you know what you have to do, and it doesn't require help from either me or Arnold, OK? Besides, he's still in his 'whatever-you-want-to-do-we'll-do-it' mood, so I'm keeping out of his way for a bit - I don't want to have sex whilst I'm pregnant!

* * *

**To:** NAdler   
**From:** KKochanski   
**Subject:** Dave 

Do you really think I should just go for it? What if it doesn't work out?

* * *

**To:** KKochanski   
**From:** NAdler   
**Subject:** Re: Dave 

What's not working out? Honey, if you don't go for it you'll have even more 'What ifs' floating around that tiny little head of yours.

* * *

**To:** NAdler   
**From:** KKochanski   
**Subject:** Re: Dave 

Are you sure? I'm not doing this until you (or _someone_) has convinced me it's the right thing to do.

* * *

**To:** KKochanski   
**From:** NAdler   
**Subject:** Re: Dave 

Oh, for smeg's sake! If you don't do it then I will!

* * *

**To:** NAdler   
**From:** KKochanski   
**Subject:** Re: Dave 

Don't you dare ask him out for me! Remember last time you asked a guy out for me? We had to stay in our quarters for three days to avoid them throwing eggs at us! We missed five days of work! We were nearly sent to stasis! If I decide to ask him out - not saying I am! - then I'll do it myself, thanks.

* * *

**To:** KKochanski   
**From:** NAdler   
**Subject:** Re: Dave 

Who said anything about asking him out for you? I meant for me! He's fit!

* * *

**To:** NAdler   
**From:** KKochanski   
**Subject:** Re: Dave 

Oh my God, your hormones have gone crazy!!!   
And I've decided to leave it. Just for a bit. I need to think.

* * *

**To:** KKochanski   
**From:** NAdler   
**Subject:** Re: Dave 

OK, that seems reasonable. I'll talk to you later.

* * *

**Transcript of Black Box Recording provided by Holly   
****Date: **15 September 3,000,207AD   
**Time:** 16:42pm ST   
**Location:** Officers' Quarters   
**Present:** Nicole Adler; Arnold Rimmer; David Lister 

NA stands by mirror.   
AR sits on bottom bunk.

NA: Look. If I stand sideways and arch my back a bit, you can just about see the bump.   
AR: Yes, dear.   
NA: Oh, well don't be too happy, will you.   
AR: No, I am, I just...   
NA: What?   
AR: I just don't think it's something to get too excited about.   
NA: What, seeing proof of your child for the first time?

AR shrugs.   
AR leaves position on bottom bunk.   
AR reaches position by mirror.   
DL enters.

DL: Hey.   
NA: Hi!   
DL: You haven't seen Kris, have you?   
AR: No.   
NA: No, sorry.   
DL: Damn.   
AR: Why?   
DL: Er...   
NA: Is this about the (inaudible whispers)?   
DL: Yeah.   
AR: The what?   
DL: Nothing.   
NA: Doesn't matter.

AR leaves position by mirror.

DL: Did she say anything to you?

AR reaches position on bottom bunk.

NA: Sort of...   
DL: What?   
NA: I don't think I should say.   
DL: Oh! Please!

NA shakes head.

AR: Will someone please tell me what's going on?   
NADL: No!   
NA: Look, Dave, please don't go to see her. She needs to think about...stuff.   
DL: Oh, OK. Fine. (Pause) Hey, you can see the bump now!

NA looks at AR

NA: I know.   
END TRANSCRIPT

**Diary of _Kristine Z. Kochanski   
_**_Mrs K. Lister   
__Mrs David Lister   
__Mrs Lister-Kochanski   
__Mrs Kochanski-Lister   
__Kristine Lister   
__Kris Kochanski-Lister   
__Kristine Lister-Kochanski   
__Krissy Lister   
__Mrs Kristine Kochanski-Lister_

I honestly don't know what to do.


	5. Month 5, Persuasion

**Disclaimer:** I don't own them. I just use them in my little theatre of cruelty, I mean, creativity. :)

**Author's note:** Here we go again. Thank you _melihobbit _for reviewing my fanfiction. (If you hadn't noticed, I give special mentions to anyone who reviews this so R&R...who knows?)

**--Internal Ship Messaging--   
****CottageCheese:** logon   
**CottageCheese:** Help me!!!   
**LuvsArnie:** What?   
**CottageCheese:** I don't know what to do!   
**LuvsArnie:** About...?   
**CottageCheese:** What do you think? DAVE!   
**LuvsArnie:** Oh, are you STILL on that??? Honey, you've been in love with the guy pretty much from the start of my pregnancy!   
**CottageCheese:** Yeah...   
**LuvsArnie: **And he's been in love with you for years.   
**CottageCheese:** I'm listening...   
**LuvsArnie:** Jesus, Kris, I can't make this much clearer! ASK HIM OUT!**   
CottageCheese:** But, what if he says no?   
**LuvsArnie:** Please, that is not gonna happen.   
**CottageCheese:** How do you know?   
**LuvsArnie:** Look, I'm bored of having this same conversation. If you don't tell him how you feel, then I will - this pregnancy is making me ultra-irrational, I will not accept compromise.   
**CottageCheese:** OK. I'm gonna tell him.   
**LuvsArnie:** Yay!   
**CottageCheese:** How should I do it?   
**LuvsArnie:** Oh my God, I don't know! Can't you think of something?**   
CottageCheese:** No, I'm too nervous!   
**LuvsArnie:** Aw! OK, well, why don't you....   
**CottageCheese:** What?   
**LuvsArnie:** Sorry, drifted off into a reverie for a minute there. I was thinking about how Arnie told me he loved me. When I was going to leave and he stopped me.   
**CottageCheese:** Ooh, tell me how he did it!   
**LuvsArnie:** What, so you can do exactly the same thing? I don't think so! What happened on that day is strictly between me and Arn.   
**LuvsArnie:** And, as it turned out, Holly.   
**CottageCheese:** Please??? I promise I won't use it. I just want to know.   
**LuvsArnie:** OK, fine.   
**LuvsArnie:** Well, I had just told the guys I was leaving and I was walking down the corridor. About five minutes passed and I gave up all hope that someone was going to stop me, but then Arn came running up behind me. He grabbed my arm and span me round. He looked deep into my eyes and he told me he loved me and would do anything to get me to stay. Then, unsurprisingly, he started rambling, but I didn't care. It was a thrill to hear his voice - I know it sounds silly, but when you love someone as I much as I love him (or you love Dave) you can't hear their voice enough. Then he put his hands on my waist and pulled me close to him. He brought his arms around my back and ran one hand through my hair. Then he gently pushed my head into his chest and kissed my forehead. I put my arms around him and he asked me to stay.   
**CottageCheese:** And what did you say?   
**LuvsArnie:** I said, "Bog off, Hat-rack Head," and ran away to the nearest planet. What do you think I said!?   
**CottageCheese:** Sorry. I got caught up in the moment. So then what happened?**   
LuvsArnie:** We kissed. Then he put his hand in his pocket, not breaking away, and put a ring on my finger. I broke the kiss and he immediately said, "Will you marry me?"   
**CottageCheese:** Awww! I won't ask what you said - if the rock on your finger is anything to go by, I think I know the answer!   
**LuvsArnie:** Sorry, I have to go; it's the hormones; I need to get a tissue.   
**CottageCheese:** Me too! See you later?   
**LuvsArnie:** Yep, bye. And good luck!   
**CottageCheese:** Thanks! Bye.   
**LuvsArnie:** logoff   
**CottageCheese:** logoff

**_Journal of: _DAVE LISTER   
**She loves me!!! She loves me, she loves me, she loves me! SHE LOVES ME!!!

**Diary of _Kristine Z. Kochanski   
_**Dear Diary,   
I told him. I told him I loved him.   
We hugged and kissed and talked and.........oh, it was so amazing! I've NEVER been happier!

**To do:   
**1. Finish sewing hem on pink suit (the one with the blue spangles, not the one with the silver buttons)   
2. Buff white shoes (#2807)   
3. Take a nap   
4. Wander round for a bit   
5. Take a nap   
6. Try to have sex with something   
7. Take a long nap (I hear sex is quite tiring)   
8. Preen   
9. Take a nap   
_10. You could help us get the supplies from that derelict - Nikki_

**--Internal Ship Messaging--   
****SexyBeast:** logon   
**SexyBeast:** How the hell did you get hold of my list?   
**LuvsArnie:** It wasn't difficult. All I had to do was look on the floor of one of the corridors. I'm not proud ;)   
**LuvsArnie:** logoff   
**SexyBeast:** Huh???   
**SexyBeast:** logoff

**Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC - Red Dwarf Standard Logbook   
**Wow! The baby kicked! It was incredible, I was just sitting there brushing up on my Astronavigation skills (which reminds me: I must find out once and for all what the smeg a 'quasar' is), Nikki was sitting reading the pregnancy guide when she suddenly gasped. Thinking she may have gone into labour prematurely, I immediately leapt to her aid. She, however, just laughed. She grabbed my hand - the one that wasn't holding the panic button - and placed it on her belly. And I felt it. I felt my child move. It felt lik

_**Nicole G. Adler's Personal Thoughts...   
**_The baby's moving! I can feel it right now! Oh, it's bizarre! It was wonderful when it happened the first time: Arnie was reading "Astronavigation for Absolute Beginners," looking rather confused, and I was looking up month five in the pregnancy book. I was on the part where it said "You may also begin to feel the baby move during this month," and it did! It was magical! Arn, however, descended into panic. He couldn't stop screaming "Oh my God, she's giving birth!" I was trying to tell him that it was just kicking, but he couldn't hear me over the top of the panic alarm, so in the end I just shoved his hand on my stomach. That shut him up.   
Oh God, he's started complaining again. Got to go.

MediScan results:   
**Sex**: M   
**Age**: n/a - hologram   
**Crew No.**: 0168   
**I.D**: Rimmer RD02-168   
**Health**: Good - moderate

**Symptoms:** Hologram malfunctioning: fuzzy image; muffled hearing; unclear vision; inability to sustain hard-light state   
**Diagnosis:** Faulty chip   
**Prescription:** --

**Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC - Red Dwarf Standard Logbook   
**Oh this stupid crappy smegging bloody awful crate! I HATE this ship. I've had to get Nikki to write this for me because my stupid crappy smegging bloody awful hologram is malfunctioning and I can't hold a pen. Which means I also can't feel the baby moving. Death sucks.   
_I still love you - Nikki x x_

**John Wayne Fan Club   
****21 Farnsworth St   
****Kim-kwat   
****Saturn   
****PL6 SS**

Dear Mr Wayne,   
As your two biggest fans, we feel we have been unfairly treated: we purchased two copies of both "Stagecoach" and "The Long Voyage Home", and three of "True Grit". Upon careful studying and comparison of these films, we have found that "Stagecoach" #1, is 0.056 seconds shorter than "Stagecoach" #2; "The Long Voyage Home" #2 fails to include the credit for 'Cowboy #348'; and two of the three copies of "True Grit" do not play in the video players on Y-Deck.   
As much as we respect you, we want compensation.   
Now.   
And can we have a few hundred signed portraits, please?   
Respectfully,   
Bob and Madge   
x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x


	6. Month 6, Panic

**Disclaimer:** I think we've discussed this before....

**Author's note:** _Sunrise over the Tango Factory_, in accordance with your wishes, I will no longer give you special mentions...oh, damn it! Anyway, I was listening to '_Anastacia- Where do I belong?' _and I heard the lyric "life doesn't promise a bed of roses" and I thought to myself, 'yeah, my fanfic is too flowery and nice,' so I gave Rimmer a bit of a hologrammatic problem in the last chapter, and it doesn't exactly get any better for the Red Dwarf crew in the next couple.

**Red Dwarf Issue - Guide to Pregnancy   
**_The Sixth Month...   
_Your Body:   
You may gain 3-4 pounds this month. Your feet may start to swell - putting your feet up may help reduce any ankle swelling that may occur. Shop for wide, comfortable shoes with a flat heel.   
Your Diet:   
You may crave certain foods or find other foods intolerable. If this happens, try to find substitutes that will provide the right nutrients.   
Your feelings:   
You may start to feel incredibly frustrated around this month, with all the physical changes and the cravings. Again, talk to your partner.

_**Nicole G. Adler's Personal Thoughts...   
**_The cravings are hell. The mashed bananas with sugar I can understand, and I've read that many pregnant women feel the urge to suck coal, but lemon chicken bedded on meringue!? Mm. I'm hungry now! Gotta go.

**-Play message-   
**Mister Rimmer, sir, could you please come down to the MediBay; I believe I have discovered the problem with your hard-light projection unit and I have attempted to repair it.

**--Internal Ship Messaging--   
****Currylover169:** logon   
**Currylover169:** Thankyou!!!!!!!!! I love you!!!!!!!   
**LuvsArnie:** Er...no problem. What did I do?   
**Currylover169:** You brought me and Krissy together!   
**LuvsArnie:** That was ages ago! You've thanked me several times, you can stop now!**   
Currylover169: **Well, I want it to be known that I am eternally grateful to you. Rimmer's a lucky guy.   
**LuvsArnie:** I try my best ;)   
**Currylover169:** As a (final) thankyou, I'd love if you and Rimmer would come over for dinner tonight   
**LuvsArnie:** Sure, as long as it's not curry   
**Currylover169:** What?! Why?   
**LuvsArnie:** Can't keep it down   
**Currylover169:** Erm, well, we can have something else I suppose. Your choice, you're the woman of the hour!   
**LuvsArnie:** Oh my god   
**LuvsArnie:** Where's Arn?   
**CUrrylover169:** I dunno. Why?   
**LuvsArnie:** It hurts!   
**Currylover169: **What hurts???   
**LuvsArnie:** Something, I don't know. It's the baby   
**Currylover169:** Oh my god! OK, get down to the MediBay, I'll meet you there. Stay calm   
**LuvsArnie:** OK   
**LuvsArnie:** logoff   
**Currylover169:** logoff

_**Nicole G. Adler's Personal Thoughts...   
**_That was scary! I felt something really odd, like the baby was kicking or moving, but more intense - it didn't feel good. Then it started hurting. Lister was so wonderful. He met me outside the MediBay (it would have been _inside_ the MediBay, but I couldn't walk any more) and he led me in. Arnie was in there sorting out his hologram problem with Kryten. Naturally, he started panicking, which didn't really help me. I passed out for a bit, I think, then

**--Internal Ship Messaging--   
****IQ6000: **logon   
**IQ6000:** Are you OK now?   
**LuvsArnie:** Yes, it was just Braxton Hicks contractions: "mild discomfort." Yeah, right.   
**IQ6000:** As long as you're feeling better   
**LuvsArnie:** Yeh, I am thanks, Hol. It was horrible though.   
**IQ6000:** I bet it was   
**LuvsArnie:** I tried recording it in my diary and I just couldn't - it was too painful   
**IQ6000:** At least you have the chance to experience Braxton Hicks   
**LuvsArnie:** No, sorry, you're going to have to explain that one   
**IQ6000:** Well, at least you're pregnant. As a computer I can't have children   
**LuvsArnie:** Oh. Sorry. I must seem very selfish   
**IQ6000:** No, no, no. Pregnancy most definitely has its drawbacks   
**LuvsArnie:** You can say that again   
**IQ6000:** Pregnancy most definitely has its drawbacks   
**LuvsArnie:** Yes, remind me to explain sarcasm to you again, Hol   
**LuvsArnie:** Hang on. I remember reading somewhere that computers can reproduce   
**IQ6000:** Really?   
**LuvsArnie:** Sort of. You take half of one computer's jurisdiction; download it to half of another's, and bingo!   
**IQ6000:** Sounds a bit forced to me   
**LuvsArnie:** Yes, but you'd have children   
**IQ6000:** One drawback: who would be the other computer?   
**LuvsArnie:** Ah, good point   
**IQ6000:** Still, cables crossed, we might find a handsome male computer in charge of a derelict somewhere   
**IQ6000:** Anyway, how's Rimmer?   
**LuvsArnie:** Since when do you care about Arn?   
**IQ6000:** Since he became a father   
**LuvsArnie:** Oh. Well, he's OK - he's just a bit pissed off that he can't touch anything. I don't know why he's complaining, he spends most of his time in soft-light form anyway   
**IQ6000:** Yes, but think about it - he always had the option. Now he is COMPLETELY helpless. He can't feel the baby, or help you with anything, or be of any value whatsoever. It's like he used to be, before you joined us.   
**LuvsArnie:** I'm quite tired now. Could you get Kryten to bring up some bananas and sugar for me? I'm going to try and get some rest.   
**IQ6000:** Sure. Night, Nik.   
**LuvsArnie:** logoff   
**IQ6000:** logoff

* * *

**To:** KKochanski   
**From:** DLister   
**Subject:** Last night 

Last night was amazing! I love you so much, Kris. Do you want to have dinner tonight? I thought I could treat you at Parrot's Bar, then take you for a romantic walk in the arburitom. What do you say? 7:30 tonight? Please, please, please say yes!   
I love you!   
Love Dave   
PS Can you wear that skirt that you wore last night?

* * *

**To:** DLister   
**From:** KKochanski   
**Subject:** Re: Last night 

I'd love to, but can we make it 8? I need time to get ready. And, sorry, but I was planning on wearing a different skirt.   
Love you always,   
Kris   
PS It's spelled 'arboretum' not 'arburitom'

* * *

**To:** KKochanski   
**From:** DLister   
**Subject:** Re: Last night 

What's wrong with the other skirt? It looked so stylish, so sophisticated, so short!   
Dave   
PS I love you to bits and everything, but can you please stop correcting my spelling?

* * *

**   
To:** DLister   
**From:** KKochanski   
**Subject:** Re: Last night 

Sorry. Coming from the best CG school in Britain, I've been trained to sniff out dodgy grammar. I'll stop it, I promise. And regarding the skirt: the one I had in mind is a good two inches shorter than the one I wore last night. But I'll wear the other one if that's what you want.   
Love Krissy   
x x x x x x x

* * *

**To:** KKochanski   
**From:** DLister   
**Subject:** Re: Last night 

OK, wear the new skirt if you really must ;)   
All my love   
Dave x x x

* * *

**Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC - Red Dwarf Standard Logbook   
**Well, my hologram's been fixed at long last. I should have known it would take twice a long as it would have done normally, with Kryten and Holly at the helm. Plus, Holly has been acting very strangely lately - she has a weird, sort of, dopey look in her eyes. Dopier than usual, I mean. Every time I mentioned something about the baby she went quiet.   
Oh no.   
Don't tell me the stupid goit wants _children_. She's a _computer_ for smeg's sake! Who was the idiotic gimboid who put the idea of _babies_ into her head???   
Actually, I think I can guess. And I take it back - she's NOT an idiotic gimboid at all, she's amazing, I love her. But sometimes she can be a bit...dappy.   
_I love you too - Nikki x x_

_**Nicole G. Adler's Personal Thoughts...   
**_My feet are KILLING me! I swear, they look like two huge boats on the ends of my legs. Every time the baby moves now, I get insecure. It's horrible. Kryten says I should get over it in time. Which doesn't really help.   
_I love you too, Nikki, but stop reading my diary - Arnie x_

**Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC - Red Dwarf Standard Logbook   
**_You can talk! Besides, it's the only decent reading material around here - Nik_

_**Nicole G. Adler's Personal Thoughts...   
**__Good to know my life is so amusing to you. Do you need anything? - Arn x x x x x_

**Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC - Red Dwarf Standard Logbook   
**_Foot rub would be nice... - Nik x_

_**Nicole G. Adler's Personal Thoughts...   
**__Why are we writing in each other's diaries when we're in the same room?_

**Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC - Red Dwarf Standard Logbook   
**_I don't know. You started it_

_**Nicole G. Adler's Personal Thoughts...   
**__Actually, you did_

**Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC - Red Dwarf Standard Logbook   
**_Did I? Oh, sorry. I'll stop, then. Love you to pieces - Nikki x x x   
__PS Foot rub...?_

**Parrot's Bar Menu   
**_Where the smeg is he? He said he'd pick me up at eight, but he didn't show up so I   
_**Starter   
**_thought I'd got it wrong, and we were actually meeting at Parrot's. So I rushed   
_**Shrimp Cocktail **- $£2.49   
_down here, but he wasn't here. And he still isn't here. I don't want to go in case he   
_**Shame kebab **- $£2.95   
_turns up and he thinks I didn't bother showing up. He did say _tonight_, didn't he?_**   
Minestrone **- $£3.25   
_Yes, he must have. Now it's 9:20 and I'm sitting here, alone, writing on a menu. _

**Main   
**_And now I'm crying. He'd better have a good excuse for not turning up. I'm going.   
_**Orecchiette** Small Pasta Shells with Fire-roasted Vegetables, Garlic, Basil, and Parmesan Shavings - $£7.75   
_Maybe I should wait five more minutes. I wish there was a computer in here, I   
_**Rack of Lamb** served with Chianti Sauce and Baby Vegetables - $£8.50   
_could ISM him. Or Nikki. Or Holly.This menu is making me hungry. The Rack of   
_**Smoked Trout** with crisp Pancetta served with Basil Cream - $£9.95   
_Lamb looks delicious. Oh, Dave, where are you?_

**Dessert   
**_If he does show up, I'd better say 'no' to a dessert. They all look so yummy, but   
_**Pancakes **Lemon, Strawberry, Wild Berry or Chocolate - $£3.00   
_they're probably really fattening. It's 9:30. I'm off.   
_**Cheesecake **Raspberry or Strawberry - $£4.50

**Souffle **Vanilla, Chestnut, Cherry or Chocolate - $£5.00


	7. Month 7, Division

**Disclaimer:** I'm never going to own them. We both know it. Don't try to hide behind a false pretence.

**Author's note:** Here's another chapter for you (a boring a/n I know, but I'm tired).

**--Internal Ship Messaging--   
****CottageCheese:** logon   
**CottageCheese:** Where the hell were you?   
**Currylover169:** I'm so so so so so so so so so sorry! I went to Cat's to borrow a bow tie (so I could look nice for our date) and I got a little preoccupied   
**CottageCheese:** With what, exactly???   
**Currylover169:** A belching contest   
**CottageCheese:** Excuse me? You missed our sixth date to have a belching contest??**   
Currylover169:** What, it was important!   
**CottageCheese:** I fail to see how a burping competition is more important than me   
**Currylover169:** It is when I've got 100dp riding on it!   
**Currylover169:** Look, I'll take you out tonight, OK?   
**CottageCheese:** No thanks   
**CottageCheese:** logoff   
**Currylover169:** logoff

* * *

**To:** KKochanski   
**From:** DLister   
**Subject:** Sorry!

I'm so sorry, Kris, please come out with me tonight. I love you so much, I feel terible that I've made you upset. Please?   
Love Dave x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

**

* * *

**

**To:** DLister   
**From:** KKochanski   
**Subject:** Re: Sorry!

Sorry you're not feeling good. Well, actually, I'm not. I don't want to see you for a while, OK? Leave me alone.   
Kristine   
PS 'Terrible' has TWO r's.

* * *

To: KKochanski   
**From:** DLister   
**Subject:** Re: Sorry!

KKochanski DLister Re: Sorry! 

Why are you being so stubborn? I said I was sorry a million times! What more do you want???   
Dave   
PS I couldn't care less how you spell 'terrible'

* * *

**To:** DLister   
**From:** KKochanski   
**Subject:** Re: Sorry!

I just need you to leave me alone right now.

* * *

**To:** KKochanski   
**From:** DLister   
**Subject:** Re: Sorry!

Fine.

* * *

**--Internal Ship Messaging--   
****Currylover169:** logon   
**Currylover169:** Women!   
**Licketysplit:** Sorry, this is sort of a bad time   
**Currylover169:** Why are they so complicated?   
**Licketysplit:** I heard about you and Kochanski and it's terrible and everything, but I really can't chat right now   
**Currylover169:** God, don't mention the word 'terrible'   
**Licketysplit:** Seriously, Nikki's not well, I can't talk now   
**Currylover169:** What's wrong with her?   
**Licketysplit:** She's finding it hard to breathe and she can't stand up   
**Currylover169:** You know what Kris's problem is? She's too uptight for me   
**Licketysplit:** Lister, can you get Kryten, she's got worse   
**Currylover169:** I need someone who wants the same things as me. Maybe we're not as perfect for each other as I'd hoped   
**Licketysplit:** logoff   
**Currylover169:** Hey!   
**Currylover169:** logoff

**Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC - Red Dwarf Standard Logbook   
**Oh God, what an awful day. Nik is really unwell. We were about to go and get some more maternity clothes for her, when she started breathing heavily. She sat down and tried to calm herself but she couldn't. So, I took her down to the MediBay, but Kryten doesn't know what's wrong so she has to stay there for a few nights. I think I'll sleep down there as well. I can't leave her by herself.

**_Journal of: _DAVE LISTER   
**Never thought I'd be writing this in my diary - I broke up with Krissy today. It sounds horrible but I think if I hadn't done it, she would. It's better this way.   
I think.

**

* * *

**

**To:** Holly   
**From:** WHolloway   
**Subject:** new e-mail

Thanks for hooking me up with this e-mail thingy, man! Novelty-Condom Head has just shown me how to use it   
Lurrrrve the Cat   
X

* * *

**To:** WHolloway   
**From:** Holly   
**Subject:** Re: new e-mail

Cat,   
No problem. Have you been down to see Nikki yet?   
Holly

* * *

**To:** Holly   
**From:** WHolloway   
**Subject:** Re: new e-mail

No. Why?

* * *

**To:** WHolloway   
**From:** Holly   
**Subject:** Re: new e-mail

She's in the MediBay you insensitive gimboid!

**

* * *

**

**To:** Holly   
**From:** WHolloway   
**Subject:** Re: new e-mail

And she needs someone to fix her up with some fashionable threads, rather than the awful, godforsaken excuses for clothes they have down there?

* * *

**To:** WHolloway   
**From:** Holly   
**Subject:** Re: new e-mail

On second thought, forget it.   
Enjoy your new e-mail!

* * *

**   
Diary of _Kristine Z. Kochanski   
_**He broke up with me. I can't believe it. Why? Why did he break up with me? I thought, if anyone was going to break up with anyone, I would break up with HIM. Why did he do it...? 

Long Range Scan Results - NEGATIVE   
Long Range Scan Results - NEGATIVE   
Long Range Scan Results - NEGATIVE   
Long Range Scan Results - NEGATIVE   
Long Range Scan Results - NEGATIVE   
Long Range Scan Results - NEGATIVE   
Long Range Scan Results - NEGATIVE   
Long Range Scan Results - NEGATIVE   
Long Range Scan Results - NEGATIVE   
Long Range Scan Results - NEGATIVE   
Long Range Scan Results - NEGATIVE

**--Internal Ship Messaging--   
****Licketysplit:** logon   
**Licketysplit:** Holly, why the smegging hell are you wasting this ship's precious supply of energy scanning the local area???   
**IQ6000:** Just doing my job   
**Licketysplit:** You're looking for other computers aren't you?   
**IQ6000:** No!   
**Licketysplit:** Holly.....   
**IQ6000:** I don't wish to discuss it. You'll laugh at me   
**Licketysplit:** I'd never laugh at you   
**Licketysplit:** Scratch that last message   
**IQ6000:** See!   
**Licketysplit:** OK, Hol, maybe the old me would have laughed at you, but I've changed! You want kids, don't you?   
**IQ6000:** Yeah, but it's not gonna happen. Not unless we find a male computer. And no   
one will help me search   
**Licketysplit:** I'll help   
**IQ6000:** Sorry, I think I lapsed into a coma. Did you say you'd help?   
**Licketysplit:** Yes. Since Nikki got pregnant I have these really strong paternal instincts   
**IQ6000:** Excuse me?   
**Licketysplit:** Well they're not there ALL the time, for God's sake! I'm just saying, if I can help in any way, I'd be happy to   
**IQ6000:** Thanks, Rimmer, but it's really OK. Nikki needs you. Speaking of whom, how is Nik?   
**Licketysplit:** Not good. She's improving but she's still very weak. The baby's fine, though. We just have to make sure she doesn't get any worse, otherwise.........you know.   
**IQ6000:** I know. Wish her well from me, yeah?   
**Licketysplit:** OK   
**IQ6000:** logoff   
**Licketysplit:** logoff

**Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC - Red Dwarf Standard Logbook   
**Yes! She's gonna be out in a week! Kryten still doesn't know what it was, but she's improving rapidly. She's nearly back to her old self! So she's out in a week!!!!   
What am I going to do for a week...?


	8. Month 8, Makeup

**Disclaimer:** I'm running out of ways to say this: I DON'T OWN THEM!

**Author's note:** Well, here's another chapter for you. I hope it keeps up the trend of 'gets better every chapter' that most of you seem to think it has! (Thanks, by the way! I luv you all!!!)

Long Range Scan Results - NEGATIVE   
Long Range Scan Results - NEGATIVE   
Long Range Scan Results - NEGATIVE   
Long Range Scan Results - NEGATIVE   
Long Range Scan Results - NEGATIVE   
Long Range Scan Results - NEGATIVE   
Long Range Scan Results - NEGATIVE

**

* * *

**

**To:** Holly   
**From:** ARimmer   
**Subject:** (No Subject)

Sorry, Hol. Nothing yet.   
Rimmer   
PS Nikki has to stay in ANOTHER few nights. She got worse again. I'm starting to worry - what if she doesn't get better before the baby comes???

**

* * *

To:** ARimmer   
**From:** Holly   
**Subject:** Re: (No Subject) 

Don't worry, Nikki will be fine. You can stop searching for derelicts now - we've been trying for ages and we never find any; and even if we do, it's unlikely there'll be a functioning computer on board; and it's even less likely that he'll want to have children with me. Nikki needs you a smeg of a lot more than I do.   
Holly

* * *

**To:** Holly   
**From:** ARimmer   
**Subject:** Re: (No Subject) 

Don't give up hope! We'll find him, OK? We'll find the father of your child. I promise.

* * *

**To:** ARimmer   
**From:** Holly   
**Subject:** Re: (No Subject) 

Nikki has done wonders to you. You've completely changed, you know that? Well, not completely. Once she gets you to stop telling Risk stories, _then _it will be completely.

**

* * *

--Internal Ship Messaging--   
CottageCheese: **logon   
**CottageCheese:** How are you?   
**LuvsArnie:** I'm fine. Just tired   
**CottageCheese:** Oh, OK. I'll leave you to get some rest. Great to have you out and about again!   
**CottageCheese:** logoff   
**LuvsArnie: **logoff 

**Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC - Red Dwarf Standard Logbook   
**She's out, at last! She's still very weak and tired, but she's done nothing but improve, and the baby is completely healthy. We have to keep an eye on her, and be careful of any problems when she goes into labour, but Kryten has high hopes. Thank God.

**Cat's thoughts: (IF ANY! - Lister)   
**I'm BORED, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored.   
I'm tired.

_KRIS, I'M SORRY, I NEVER SHOULD HAVE BROKEN UP WITH YOU. PLEASE, WHEN YOU GET THIS, COME AND FIND ME. I WANT TO WORK THINGS OUT. I LOVE YOU AND I WANT TO BE WITH YOU. I WAS AN IDIOT. I LOVE YOU. PLEASE COME BACK. I MISS YOU AND I NEED YOU. I LOVE YOU, PLEASE COME BACK TO ME. I'LL BE WAITING. I LOVE YOU.   
__LOVE DAVE X X_

**_Journal of: _DAVE LISTER   
**She wasn't there so I left a note outside door. I'm extremely proud of that note. I didn't get any help whatsoever. I only asked Rimmer what he thought I should put, and he told me to be 'succinct and to the point.' It was hard at first, writing a heartfelt letter that was succinct and to the point, but I can safely say, my note is definitely that. Succinct. To the point.   
Note to self - look up the word 'succinct'. I've got an inkling of what it means, but I just want to be sure.

**Succinct:** Concise and terse:_ a succinct reply; a succinct style_

**_Journal of: _DAVE LISTER   
**It's been five smegging days! Surely she's back by now??? Why won't she talk to me? I hope she got my 'succinct' note.   
Note to self - look up the words 'concise' and 'terse'.

**

* * *

**

**To:** KKochanski   
**From:** DLister   
**Subject:** us

Kris, are you there? Did you get my succinct, concise, terse note?   
Love Dave x

* * *

**_Journal of: _DAVE LISTER   
**She didn't even reply to my email!!! 

**Concise: **Condensed; brief and compacted: _a concise explanation   
_**Terse:** Brief and to the point; effectively concise:_ a terse one-word answer_

**--Internal Ship Messaging--   
****Currylover169:** logon   
**Currylover169:** Kris?   
**CottageCheese:** WHAT?   
**Currylover169:** You ARE there!   
**CottageCheese:** Of course I'm here you stupid smeghead!   
**Currylover169:** Kris, we need to talk   
**CottageCheese:** Er, actually, we don't   
**Currylover169:** Yes we do   
**CottageCheese:** What about?   
**Currylover169:** What do you mean 'what about'? About US!   
**CottageCheese:** Quite frankly, I have nothing to say on the matter   
**Currylover169:** Yeah right. No one can make love like that and have nothing to say about it   
**CottageCheese:** Stop it.   
**Currylover169:** I love you Kris   
**Currylover169:** Kris?   
**CottageCheese:** Come over in five minutes   
**Currylover169:** OK!   
**CottageCheese:** logoff   
**CottageCheese:** logon   
**CottageCheese:** This doesn't mean I forgive you   
**CottageCheese:** logoff   
**Currylover169: **logoff

**--Internal Ship Messaging--   
****Currylover169:** logon   
**Currylover169:** Last night was amazing   
**CottageCheese:** It really was. Same time tonight?   
**Currylover169:** Oh, I was actually planning on going to see Ca, oh, buggar that, I'll be here tonight. Promise   
**CottageCheese:** I love you   
**Currylover169:** I love you too. One second

**--Internal Ship Messaging--   
****Currylover169:** logon   
**Currylover169:** Ha ha ha! I got laid last night!!!!!!!!!!   
**SexyBeast:** Like I care   
**Currylover169:** logoff   
**SexyBeast:** Damn   
**SexyBeast:** logoff

**--Internal Ship Messaging--   
****Currylover169:** I'm back. Soooo...what do you want to do tonight ;)   
**CottageCheese:** I thought we could go and see how Nikki's doing   
**Currylover169:** OK   
**CottageCheese:** Then we can go to the Obs Dome and star gaze   
**Currylover169:** OK   
**CottageCheese:** And a walk in the arboretum   
**Currylover169:** OK   
**CottageCheese:** Maybe a meal at Parrot's   
**Currylover169:** You know a lot of ways to postpone sex, don' t you?**   
CottageCheese:** Then back to my quarters...;)   
**Currylover169:** Oh, OK!   
**CottageCheese:** See you at 6:30?   
**Currylover169:** Sure. Love you   
**CottageCheese:** Love you too   
**Currylover169:** logoff   
**CottageCheese: **logoff


	9. Month 9, Birth

**Disclaimer:** No. I don't own them. End of story.

**Author's note:** Here it comes! The first birth in over 3,000,000 years. This truly is epoch making...

**Red Dwarf Issue - Guide to Pregnancy   
**_The Ninth Month...   
_Your body:    
You may gain 3-4 pounds this month. Your stomach may change shape as the baby begins to position itself for birth. It may be easier to breathe now, but you may have to urinate more often. Get plenty of rest!   
Your diet:    
Keep up a healthy, balanced diet with plenty if iron and vitamins. This applies for just after the pregnancy as your body adjusts to not being pregnant. Drink plenty of warm fluids to avoid discomfort as the baby moves.   
Your feelings:   
You may be feeling mixed emotions as the pregnancy draws to a close. If you surpass your due date by more than a week or so, you may become uncomfortable and irritable. As always, talk to your partner.   
_AND GOOD LUCK!_

_**Nicole G. Adler's Personal Thoughts...   
**_I am NOT feeling well. God knows what it is I've contracted. I just hope it's a pregnancy thing and no one else gets it. Kris and Dave are back together - I'd barely noticed they were apart, actually, I was quite busy, fainting. Oh, I have to pee again.

**Diary of _Kristine Z. Kochanski   
_**Dear Diary,   
This is what a very sexually fulfilled woman writes in their diary:   
WOW!   
Dave is _incredible_! He's so considerate, kind and passionate. He reminds me of my Dave. Actually, no, he doesn't. Because 'My Dave' doesn't exist any more. This Dave _is_ 'My Dave'. It feels surprisingly good to say that. Never thought I'd be saying it about _Lister_. WOW!

**--Internal Ship Messaging--   
****CottageCheese:** logon   
**CottageCheese:** Hi, sailor. I have to say, after last night, I'm a little weak in the knees   
**Licketysplit:** Nice to know   
**CottageCheese:** Oh shit, wrong person!   
**Licketysplit:** You don't say   
**Licketysplit:** logoff   
**CottageCheese:** logoff

**--Internal Ship Messaging--   
****CottageCheese:** logon   
**CottageCheese:** Hiya, babe. I was wondering if you wanted to come round tonight and who knows: maybe you'll be tying ME up...;)   
**Series4000:** Excuse me, ma'am?   
**CottageCheese:** Bloody hell!!!   
**CottageCheese:** logoff   
**Series4000:** logoff

**--Internal Ship Messaging--   
****CottageCheese:** logon   
**CottageCheese:** Dave?   
**Currylover169:** Yeah?   
**CottageCheese:** Oh thank God! Do you want to come round tonight?   
**Currylover169:** Sure. Can I tie you up this time?   
**CottageCheese:** I already suggested that to Kryten   
**Currylover169:** What?   
**CottageCheese:** Never mind. Come round about 9ish   
**Currylover169:** OK. Do you think you can you get strawberry sauce this time? Don't get me wrong, the toffee was fine, and the sensation was...indescribable ;) but I have to admit, I felt a little sick   
**CottageCheese:** Oh, sure, sure. See you tonight, lover!   
**Currylover169:** Love you   
**CottageCheese:** I love you   
**Currylover169:** Ha! I beat ya!   
**Currylover169:** logoff   
**CottageCheese:** logoff

_**Nicole G. Adler's Personal Thoughts...   
**_This baby thinks my bladder is a plaything, I swear. And it's getting harder and harder to haul myself onto my feet without a little help. I can't wait for this pregnancy to be over.   
Although, I'll miss it in a way. The last nine months have been SO great and everyone's been so supportive, especially Arnie (and Holly in the maternal state she's in!). I guess that   
WOAH! What the smeg was that?   
Oh God.   
I think I'm about to find out if I'll miss pregnancy or not. I need to find Arnold.

**

* * *

****To:** ARimmer; DLister; KKochanski; WHolloway   
**From:** NAdler   
**Subject:** Baby time ARimmer; DLister; KKochanski; WHolloway NAdler Baby time 

Someone please get this message! My waters have broken, I'm in labour. I need to get hold of Kryten and Arn and get them to the MediBay.   
Nik

* * *

**_Journal of: _DAVE LISTER   
**Every night with Kris gets better. I love her so much, she's so amazing. She's even admitted that she loves me more than she loved 'Her Dave'. I made it seem like I didn't care, but honestly that is the best news I've heard in a long time! Ooh, email!   
Jesus Christ! Nikki's in smegging labour! 

**Cat's thoughts: (IF ANY! - Lister)   
**I'M BORED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Writing hundreds of exclamation points only amuses for so long. I think I'll buff my shoes. Wait, I have an e-mail!!! Not that I don't always get e-mails, because I am so DAMN popular...oh forget it. What does it say?   
Fatty's in labour, apparently. What does that mean? Well, she needs to go to the MediBay, so it must be serious. And the subject is 'Baby time'. Oh my God! She's having the baby! Oh my God! I worked something out! I'm smart!!!

MediBay Report   
**1601 -Recording started by Holly   
**1601 -Adler, Nicole G. and Lister, David arrive at MediBay   
1604 -Rimmer, Arnold J. and Kochanski, Kristine Z. arrive at MediBay   
1605 -Rimmer, Arnold J. faints   
1608 -Rimmer, Arnold J. comes round   
1610 -Adler, Nicole G. has contraction -Rimmer, Arnold J. faints   
1612 -Rimmer, Arnold J. comes round -Holly leaves MediBay   
1615 -Unknown creature arrives at MediBay   
1617 -Unknown creature leaves MediBay   
1625 -Unknown mechanoid arrives at MediBay   
1640 -Adler, Nicole G. has contraction   
1658 -Adler, Nicole G. has contraction   
1716 -Holly arrives at MediBay   
1719 -Adler, Nicole G. has contraction   
1737 -Adler, Nicole G. has contraction   
1754 -Adler, Nicole G. has contraction   
1802 -Lister, David leaves MediBay   
1810 -Adler, Nicole G. has contraction   
1819 -Adler, Nicole G. has contraction   
1821 -Lister, David arrives at MediBay   
**1822 -Recording ended by Rimmer, Arnold J.**

**2350 -Recording started by Lister, David   
**2350 -Adler, Nicole G. has contraction   
2352 -Adler, Nicole G. has contraction   
2353 -Adler, Nicole G. has contraction -Kochanski, Kristine Z. and Unknown creature arrive at MediBay   
2354 -Adler, Nicole G. has contraction   
2355 -Adler, Nicole G. has contraction   
2356 -Adler, Nicole G. has contraction -Adler, Nicole G. has contraction   
2357 -Adler, Nicole G. starts pushing   
0000 -Baby confirmed as girl -Rimmer, Arnold J. faints   
0002 -Baby born -Rimmer, Arnold J. comes round   
0003 -Umbilical cord cut by Unknown mechanoid -Baby girl handed to Adler, Nicole G.   
**0005 -Recording ended by Kochanski, Kristine Z.**


	10. Month 10, Name

**Disclaimer:** Leave me alone. It's never going to happen.

**Author's note:** Last one. God, this fanfic went quick! Please R&R and await the next fanfic (already started!!)

**Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC - Red Dwarf Standard Logbook   
**It's one of those things that for over thirty years you wish never happens to you, but when it does it's the most incredible feeling ever. Oh, when I held her for the first time...it was amazing! She looked at me and she stopped crying. She just stopped. It was...indescribable.   
Nikki's exhausted, but she's healthy, thank God. She had difficulty breathing and needed an oxygen mask for most of it, but she didn't faint - I wish I could say the same for myself! Still, remained conscious during the actual birth, and that's the main thing.   
Naming her was horrendous! Nik thought she should be named after my mother (God only knows why) but I thought that would bring back too many painful memories. So I suggested naming her after Nikki's mother, but the look on her face said it all. Then they both fell asleep, and I was bored to tears by Cat boasting that he'd figured something out - I lost interest fairly early on. But then I heard him say a name, the name of his grandmother, I think, and it was perfect. Turns out Cats don't have such bad taste after all. When she woke up, I suggested it to Nikki and she loved it. So did everyone else.   
Charlotte Adler-Rimmer.   
Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?

_**Nicole G. Adler's Personal Thoughts...   
**_Dear God, am I tired!

_Well done!   
__She's gorgeous, you're so lucky.   
__Love Holly   
__PS Rimmer, relax, she doesn't look a bit like you!_

_Congratulations!   
__Finally, after all these months, all the failed attempts, the morning sickness, the labour...she's here, and she's perfect!   
__All our love,   
__Dave & Kris x_

_Dear Sir and Ma'am,   
__Congratulations, Charlotte is so cute - I can't wait to iron those teeny-tiny itty-bitty baby clothes!   
__Kryten_

**Diary of _Kristine Z. Kochanski   
_**Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god!!!!!!!

_**Congratulations on your engagement...   
**__Told you you should have gone for it! You two are going to be so happy! I love you both so much - I honestly don't think I could have gone through with the pregnancy if it wasn't for you.   
__All the best,   
__Nik x_

**--Internal Ship Messaging--   
****Series4000:** logon   
**Series4000:** Is it true, sir?   
**Currylover169:** About me and Kris? Yes, Krytes, it is   
**Series4000:** Sir, you promised you wouldn't leave me!**   
Currylover169:** Kryten, I will NEVER leave you. I swear   
**Series4000:** You promise?   
**Currylover169:** I promise.   
**Series4000:** But what if she makes you get rid of me????**   
Currylover169:** The day a woman tries to butt you out of my life, will be that day I realise I've chosen the wrong woman   
**Series4000:** Oh, sir, you don't know how happy that makes me!**   
Currylover169:** Well, you can hug me later, can't you? I'm celebrating my engagement tonight ;)   
**Series4000:** Would you like me to help out in any way, sir?**   
Currylover169:** Er, no thanks, Kryters, I think I'll manage by myself   
**Currylover169:** logoff   
**Series4000:** logoff

**Cat's thoughts: (IF ANY! - Lister)   
**Yes! I finally managed to get that stain out of the black Cherel (#185)!   
Man, babies are annoying. I had to move to another room further away to avoid the screaming! Gerbil-face says I'm being a stupid sissy smeghead, but he doesn't understand! A cat's hearing is magnified by 350 percent compared to that of a human.   
I've been hanging around these people for too long. I'm actually beginning to make sense!

**To do:   
**1. Get more formula   
2. Get more baby clothes   
3. Change pillowcases   
4. Look in the cargo decks for some more of that decaffeinated coffee - it's actually quite nice   
5. Have sex with Arn - I think I deserve a little night of passion!   
6. Make sure no one finds this list   
_Too late! - Dave _: P   
7. Hit Dave   
And one more thing -   
8. Enjoy a long and happy life with Charlotte and Arnie :)


End file.
